


The Scientific Method (of getting into everyone else's business)

by CosmicPrincen



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: "science", Crack, F/M, Humor, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi, Poor Bruce, Threesome - F/M/M, Tony Being Tony, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, ménage à trois, shameless Breaking Bad reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-22
Updated: 2014-01-22
Packaged: 2018-01-09 14:57:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1147347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CosmicPrincen/pseuds/CosmicPrincen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce really didn't mean to encourage Tony's prying behavior, but at this point it was probably fair to say that he would've taken anything as "encouragement".</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Scientific Method (of getting into everyone else's business)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mischief](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mischief/gifts).



> Nix knows why this happened.

"Come on, Bruce. You know as well as I do that 'We have history' is the accepted euphemism for 'I'm intimately familiar with their junk'."

"I know that you're a little too concerned with your coworkers and their-- um, private lives."

The dark-haired, talkative man gave the other a look befitting a father who has realized their son is an utter nincompoop far too late to do anything about it.

"Bruce. Brucie. Banner, my man."  
"What."  
"Let's just _entertain the idea_ for a moment here,"  
"Let's acknowledge that nobody else thinks about this kind of thing."  
"Sure they do--"  
" _For a reason._ "

Bruce had a hard time working knowing that Tony was leaned against his desk and staring at him.

"And what reason would that be, Grumpy?"

Bruce would not give Tony the satisfaction of letting out an exasperated breath.  
"Respect for other's privacy comes to mind."

Tony waved a dismissive hand in the direction of Bruce and his flimsy argument as he retreated back to his own end of the lab.  
"A) That's an awful reason. And B) I don't think it exists anymore anyways. Heard of the NSA?"

Holding back the exasperated breath was beginning to be a struggle. Bruce took off his glasses to rub them on his shirt, lips pressed together.  
"I don't even see why you _care_ so much..."

Mistake.  
Now Tony was going to explain it, rather than leave this as a slightly uncomfortable memory of a strange morning.

"Bruce, you and I are both brilliant scientists -- you're welcome, by the way -- so let's look at this scientifically."

Bruce gave in to the sigh, but it was too late now. If there was anything Tony liked, it was a spectacle. Most of the time he found life lacking enough in them just lying around for him to stumble over to feel the need to create his own (see: his wayward youth, his wayward adulthood, the Iron Man suits -- the list went on). Having decided there was one right under his nose, it was doubtful he would be persuaded to just let it go like any other person.

"The known facts are as follows: one, Cap is old. Two, Barnes is _also_ old. Subset of one and two, they were lifelong friends until the presumed demise of one of them. Three, Barnes then was picked up by the same people who trained our resident femme fatale. Four, 'they have history', and we both know--"  
"Tony, that really doesn't mean anything," Bruce cut in wearily. Tony simply spoke over him, glaring at having been interrupted.  
" _We both know what that means_."

Tony began to punctuate his points with a gesture of the probe he had been using.  
" _Five_ , once Cap defrosted, he and the Mankiller hit it off. Six, they are currently an item. Seven, since Bucky got all his marbles back in place, the three of them have been spending an awful lot of time together."

Tony seemed to be finished, looking expectantly at Bruce. Bruce couldn't say for the life of him what Tony expected.  
"...So?"  
"A _suspicious_ amount of time together." Tony prompted, making a 'go on' gesture, like he thought Bruce might pick up exactly on his convoluted train of thought.  
Bruce gave Tony a nonplussed look. He'd gotten very good at it, recently. There were even a few variations-- this one had both eyebrows raised and one slightly cocked.  
"I fail to see how spending a lot of time with the close friend you thought had died ages ago ends up classified as 'suspicious'."

Tony put down the probe to gesture freely with both hands.  
"You have to remember that Romanoff and Frosty _have history_. Spending excessive time with a friend? Not interesting. Spending excessive time with an old flame? _Interesting_."  
"Look, Tony, if you're trying to insinuate Natasha is cheating on Steve, I really don't think--"  
"Threesome."

Bruce stopped what he was doing.  
"What?"

Tony spread his hands about a foot apart to frame the enormity of the implication, and savored the word on the tip of his tongue before he repeated his interjection.  
"Threesome."

Bruce took off his glasses, started to speak and gave up. Tried again.  
"I'm sorry, have we been talking about a soap opera this whole time without me catching on to that important detail?"

"Bruce," Now there was the disappointed father voice to go along with the pitying look. "Tell me you don't think that's a possibility."  
"I don't think that's a possibility."  
"Well, that makes you closed-minded."  
"I've done ground-breaking research on gamma radiation."  
"Besides the point."  
"It's completely the point."

Tony held Bruce's gaze for perhaps a minute before turning away.  
"Whatever."

But that wouldn't be the end of it. He'd pester Bruce about it for weeks, if Bruce let him.  
"So do an experiment, if you're using the scientific method." He muttered, putting his glasses back on.

Tony whirled, stared at Bruce in complete wonderment.  
"Doctor Bruce Banner, you are one of the finest minds this century has ever seen, and I think you understand me when I say that it kind of turns me on."  
"I really don't." Bruce countered, only to find himself alone in the lab when he looked up a few minutes later.

 

**

 

Tony hadn't brought it up since, and that could only be bad news. It implied he was planning something, and the fact that almost a week had passed gave Bruce the distinct impression that it was likely something big (and undoubtedly ill-advised).

Staying on his toes at all times made Bruce remarkably less productive than he usually was.

" _STARK._ "

While people at SHIELD headquarters yelling at Tony Stark was not exactly a rare occurrence, the fact that it was the difficult-to-ruffle Black Widow currently stalking into the labs made this a somewhat unique situation.  
Tony flashed Bruce a grin accompanied by eyebrow acrobatics that would have single-handedly convinced Bruce of his guilt for whatever Natasha was about to chew him out for, had he not already come to that conclusion on his own.

"Why, Agent Romanoff, what a surprise!"  
"Shut up." Natasha's hard expression and voice had the surprising effect of actually silencing him enough for her to approach and fold her arms across her chest.  
Seeing such a small woman looking so venomous would have been a lot more humorous if Bruce hadn't seen her neutralize an enemy using a ballpoint pen.  
"You were in charge of the last diagnostic on James' arm."  
It was not a question, but she waited for a response anyways.  
"Yeeees." Tony looked positively shit-eating.  
"And you did an upgrade."  
"Also true."

Natasha's eyes narrowed.

Bruce wondered if he should start gathering up the lab's writing utensils and took a steadying drink from his water bottle.

"Can you tell me why it was at all necessary to give it a  _vibrating_ function?"

Bruce choked on his mouthful of water.

"Don't you like it?" Tony asked innocently.  
"If I had _wanted_ you in my bed, I would have _invited_ you there." Each emphasised word was punctuated by a hard prod to his chest.  
"I just figured why not, y'know?"  
Natasha gave him a look which not only shut him up but actually had Tony's self-satisfied expression slip for a moment before he recovered.  
She turned on her heel, glowering and venting her frustrations as she went.  
"One lover with a vibrating arm and the other as a literal super human. _And_ a crazy-ass scientist who feels the need to butt in. We're going to have to rethink so many positions because of this-- I may be a seductress but a girl _does_ have limits."

Natasha slammed the door behind her, and the last word she spat out of her mouth, disgusted, sounded suspiciously like " _Men._ "

Tony turned his head to Bruce, smug victory plastered over his face.  
"Science, bitch."

Bruce didn't even attempt to stifle the exasperated sigh.


End file.
